This picture of my grandfather reminds me that raising children is not easy. My grandparents had five children and added another from the neighborhood. The neighborhood boy was the youngest, a much loved son, and it was said he brought much good fortune to the family. Although in time he was just as rough as the rest of the lads.
My Irish granny was 4-foot-10 and my father, the oldest, was a 13-pounder at birth. My grandfather had his horse and buggy delivery business that eventually led him to the Teamsters. He was one of those no drinking, no smoking, no swearing Irishmen. My grandfather spend most of his time trying to earn a living and my grandmother did most of the child-raising. It was never easy for them, but they had their faith.
Those of us who had several kids often learned after having a second child to breathe a little easier and not take everything so seriously. As much as we like to berate parents who are out there seemingly asking others to raise their kids, there are many parents today focused on one or two kids and probably spending too much time analyzing things. Obviously there are degrees of over-parenting and under-parenting. I think one truth about parenting is that regardless of how much you love your child and how much attention you give them, there can still be problems--maybe not serious problems, but problems none the less.
I was driving down the street this week and I saw a Mom hovering over her kid who was out at the bus stop apparently waiting for the bus. She was standing there with a bowl of cereal, shoveling it into the mouth of her child presumably to make sure he was well fed for the morning. I can only assume that it was a tough morning for them and time had slipped away and Mom was doing her best to see that the child was well nourished for the morning.
I have to think the lesson here is that you are going to have disaster days and you won't be able to make things perfect for your child. Some mornings the child may actually go to school hungry until lunch. For old-school Catholics we had days of fasting where sometime we didn't eat anything until late morning after Mass. Kids survived. At the same time, a little suffering on the part of your child will not hurt, it will condition your child for real life. Think of the kids today who have allergies--some suggest that it is because as young babies their mothers had them living with no contaminants--at least that's one theory.
A priest that I met talked at a recent mission about the age old problem of women who marry needy, emotionally damaged men. First the woman sacrifices herself to serving her needy husband and then she often over-parents her children. Often the needy man is addicted to something. This old trick of nursing the man of course rarely works because the husband is allowed to continue his damaging habits and behavior and the same bad business is passed on the kids. From the priest's perspective, the problem is that those involved have never developed healthy relationships with God that allow them to be independent and not dependent on things that don't work. The more healthy we are in our relationship with God, the less likely we are to take part of some addiction. Sounds kind of simple, but today we have millions and millions of American parents who see faith as something modern parents can do without. Many of today's parents are too sophisticated to seek faith. Without God, without a higher power, many of their children will become addicted to drugs and alcohol (which happen to be big money-makers these days for our government and some industries).
Addiction is a complicated business and I have had many relatives in my family suffer from it. But if I was starting out today with little kids, I'd put church on my list of things to do for them--just as I did when my family began many years ago--only this time I'd try to do it better.
I was by no means a perfect parent, but I also see parents who can't seem to recognize their own weaknesses in their children. Wise parents often know that if something about one of your kids is really driving you nuts, it probably has its source from you or your spouse. As parents, it makes sense to discuss this kind of thing with each other and try to recall things that helped get over those problems when you were young. Maintain your confidence and take a deep breath and look at how it was resolved. If it is something that you believe comes from your wife's or husband's side, don't get too cocky, help solve the problem not point the blame at your spouse.
I have a friend who tells me that his kids problems stem from his wife's family. I know his family pretty well and I am not sure he is right. I think regardless of where the problem comes, it is your problem, too.
I've mentioned before in a blog that raising boys today is not easy. On the one hand many parents want to raise boys without risk. They want to pick "safe sports" and make sure their son avoids injury and risk. I am not sure that is possible unless you want to raise what we called in the old days a little sissy. And unfortunately, even a sissy can get hurt.
I remember when I was a kid, I was knocked off a bike and got stitches. I was run over by a bike and got more stitches. A friend of mine was clowning around and threw a lead pipe in my direction--even more stitches. Another friend threw a rock (not a stone) even more stitches. And perhaps the most ironic injury, but perhaps the worst, was falling down on the back of my head on the ice ON THE WAY TO CHURCH. I suffered a concussion on that one. Could I have avoided those injuries, not really.
In high school things didn't get any easier. I went out for a boxing tournament and got another concussion.
All these injuries and no football injuries? Not quite, when I played football I was a defensive lineman and two of the opposition in practice decided they had enough of me getting past an opposing blocker. On one play, one player dove at my knee and while I was dealing with that, a second one from the offensive backfield charged at me and speared me in the chin with his helmet. Another concussion.
I was just an average athlete, but injuries seem to occur to boys when they are just hanging out with each other. I am not sure you can avoid them. I would never tell a Mom that their son should do this or that, or not do this and that--that's a Mom's call.
When I was a kid, we had a neighbor boy who died as a result of flipping on the back of a car in the winter. This was a common activity and I had never heard of anyone getting injured before this. My cousin died as a result of an electrical accident--he was in fifth grade. Another neighborhood boy did something more reckless and died. And yet another kid from the neighborhood died in a baseball game. We also had a friend's little brother who died of cancer. I can tell you that each and every Mom in those cases would have done something different if there was a way for them to mitigate those risks. In most cases a mom may have no clue about what a child might do.
In our day, parents would have said something like boys are a risky proposition. I think they are still are and in modern times, it doesn't get much easier.
I was driving down the street this week and I saw a Mom hovering over her kid who was out at the bus stop apparently waiting for the bus. She was standing there with a bowl of cereal, shoveling it into the mouth of her child presumably to make sure he was well fed for the morning. I can only assume that it was a tough morning for them and time had slipped away and Mom was doing her best to see that the child was well nourished for the morning.
I have to think the lesson here is that you are going to have disaster days and you won't be able to make things perfect for your child. Some mornings the child may actually go to school hungry until lunch. For old-school Catholics we had days of fasting where sometime we didn't eat anything until late morning after Mass. Kids survived. At the same time, a little suffering on the part of your child will not hurt, it will condition your child for real life. Think of the kids today who have allergies--some suggest that it is because as young babies their mothers had them living with no contaminants--at least that's one theory.
A priest that I met talked at a recent mission about the age old problem of women who marry needy, emotionally damaged men. First the woman sacrifices herself to serving her needy husband and then she often over-parents her children. Often the needy man is addicted to something. This old trick of nursing the man of course rarely works because the husband is allowed to continue his damaging habits and behavior and the same bad business is passed on the kids. From the priest's perspective, the problem is that those involved have never developed healthy relationships with God that allow them to be independent and not dependent on things that don't work. The more healthy we are in our relationship with God, the less likely we are to take part of some addiction. Sounds kind of simple, but today we have millions and millions of American parents who see faith as something modern parents can do without. Many of today's parents are too sophisticated to seek faith. Without God, without a higher power, many of their children will become addicted to drugs and alcohol (which happen to be big money-makers these days for our government and some industries).
Addiction is a complicated business and I have had many relatives in my family suffer from it. But if I was starting out today with little kids, I'd put church on my list of things to do for them--just as I did when my family began many years ago--only this time I'd try to do it better.
I was by no means a perfect parent, but I also see parents who can't seem to recognize their own weaknesses in their children. Wise parents often know that if something about one of your kids is really driving you nuts, it probably has its source from you or your spouse. As parents, it makes sense to discuss this kind of thing with each other and try to recall things that helped get over those problems when you were young. Maintain your confidence and take a deep breath and look at how it was resolved. If it is something that you believe comes from your wife's or husband's side, don't get too cocky, help solve the problem not point the blame at your spouse.
I have a friend who tells me that his kids problems stem from his wife's family. I know his family pretty well and I am not sure he is right. I think regardless of where the problem comes, it is your problem, too.
I've mentioned before in a blog that raising boys today is not easy. On the one hand many parents want to raise boys without risk. They want to pick "safe sports" and make sure their son avoids injury and risk. I am not sure that is possible unless you want to raise what we called in the old days a little sissy. And unfortunately, even a sissy can get hurt.
I remember when I was a kid, I was knocked off a bike and got stitches. I was run over by a bike and got more stitches. A friend of mine was clowning around and threw a lead pipe in my direction--even more stitches. Another friend threw a rock (not a stone) even more stitches. And perhaps the most ironic injury, but perhaps the worst, was falling down on the back of my head on the ice ON THE WAY TO CHURCH. I suffered a concussion on that one. Could I have avoided those injuries, not really.
In high school things didn't get any easier. I went out for a boxing tournament and got another concussion.
All these injuries and no football injuries? Not quite, when I played football I was a defensive lineman and two of the opposition in practice decided they had enough of me getting past an opposing blocker. On one play, one player dove at my knee and while I was dealing with that, a second one from the offensive backfield charged at me and speared me in the chin with his helmet. Another concussion.
I was just an average athlete, but injuries seem to occur to boys when they are just hanging out with each other. I am not sure you can avoid them. I would never tell a Mom that their son should do this or that, or not do this and that--that's a Mom's call.
When I was a kid, we had a neighbor boy who died as a result of flipping on the back of a car in the winter. This was a common activity and I had never heard of anyone getting injured before this. My cousin died as a result of an electrical accident--he was in fifth grade. Another neighborhood boy did something more reckless and died. And yet another kid from the neighborhood died in a baseball game. We also had a friend's little brother who died of cancer. I can tell you that each and every Mom in those cases would have done something different if there was a way for them to mitigate those risks. In most cases a mom may have no clue about what a child might do.
In our day, parents would have said something like boys are a risky proposition. I think they are still are and in modern times, it doesn't get much easier.
One thing my granny had was faith. And I think that was also the thing that helped her get through it all.
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